unspoken words :)

Everyday, I wonder if I’ll ever stumble upon an opportunity that’s tailored made for me. I constantly wonder if I’ll ever get a job, and have the wherewithal to chase after my dreams no matter how lofty they seem.  And I wonder why people who can, nay should help me wont lend a helping hand, only offering me advice as if that pays the bills.

Sadly, when you’re my age, the dissatisfactions you vocalize concerning the trajectory of your life sound like complaints. For some reason, nobody looks at the underlying factors that lead you to say what it is you state. So days like these, the old adage of walking a mile in someone’s shoes becomes so alive!

When you’re my age, every decision is grand, has consequences, and is regrettable if it doesn’t produce the results intended.  Every word you speak is laden with meaning, and only someone who understands you very well can decipher what it is you are trying to say.

When you’re my age, or (is it just me), you constantly wonder, nay ponder about the meaning of life, its purpose, it’s current state, and the future. You wonder if things will ever change, for the better. More so, you wonder if by the time they do change, if you’ll look the way you do, feel the way you feel, and have the drive.

Let’s talk about the future, isn’t it scary that we worry about something we actually have very little control over? I mean, who has the assurance that they’ll even be there? I’m not trying to sound all be negative but we have to accept the uncertainty that is our life. Mustaqabali, the Swahili call it, and oh the future can give you sleepless nights, hot flushes (I sound so andropausal right now), bouts of sadness, and a desire to just give up. How nice!

But seriously, when you’re my age, everybody asks you what you do. If you’re not gainfully employed, or at least mullah’d enough to throw wards of cash at them to blind their “prying” eyes, then everything you say comes off as an excuse. You’re constantly asked why you don’t work, what you intend to do, given unsolicited advice about what you should do, and oh, analyzed like a biology specimen. You’re constantly quizzed on when you cleared school, so the mental calculations can begin. Numbers are crunched in a split second impulse before sympathetic glances are exchanged. “You should be so far ahead; have achieved so much….married even! Yep I’ve been told that, people don’t mince their words when you’re my age. Makes me feel like a Methuselah re-incarnate

Oh by this time you’re either laughing with me, at me, or totally wondering just low I can go. Very low, there’s no shame when you have a ton of things to say and nobody to talk to, then venting though writing becomes the only means of escape because these words are my own from….oh wait that’s a Natasha Bedingfield song! What I meant was, it’s important to externalize before these words become magma that bubbles like an undercurrent, and like a volcano with no warning erupts! The damage will be grave, hearts will broken, things will be said that can never be undone. (My little brain wonders at this point if I got the sentence order correctly.)

I love to digress! When you’re age, oh trust me, even your fashion sense is judged! Good thing is, I’m too grown it’s silly *insert Kelly Rowland’s grown ass woman as the soundtrack this very instant.* I could care less, seeing as I’ve grown into myself and know what makes me tick and what ticks me off. Everything I do is for my own pleasure egocentric as that may sound. Narcissism becomes a way of life, a mantra to be chanted constantly, there is no room for more than my mind can handle.

But seriously, when you’re my age, you think about the decisions you made in the past, constantly doing a cost benefit analysis, and discarding things that add no value. In that list add people who make you feel like you add no value to this solar system, they are no longer tolerated. Sadly some relationships that you wish wouldn’t end do, but hey cest la vie the French said. Every mess has potential for a message and every time you get burned is a lesson learned.

Finally, when you’re my age, family means so much more than it did when you were a teenager. Thus decisions made concerning life, and their consequences weigh more heavily on your mind. That means you constantly have to salve your conscience, and purge emotions that remind you of opportunities you let fly by, or of decisions that you know could break the family chord if it wasn’t for God’s grace lol.

Not many people know what true listening is, so it’s hard for them to get the nuances and dissect my words to get what it is I’m really trying to convey. As I was telling my friend sometime back, I’m constantly happy, but I’m not content. 

I want my life to have a different tangent and when it does then ill be truly happy. I know people say that happiness is not pegged upon the way your life is, but let’s face it, everyone who says that is not at the same quagmire I’m in. Until the day I’m satisfied that I have made progress, and that I’ve made up for lost time, I shall continue being grumpy, it’s my right yeah? Don’t judge me, sometimes you got to say what is eating you up, with a tinge of salt and a dash of that.

Kibali.