Mauka

Moyo wangu umetanda, hisia zenye uzani,

Na mawazo yanikanda, yanibinya akilini,

Nuru ipo ila kuona sioni,

Godoro kichapo wala silali asilani,

Hapa nlipo niko taabani,

Hofu ipo, tadidimisha afueni,

Kila kukicha nawaza mustakabali,

Maswali yamechacha, najihoji tawaje jabali

Natamauka, natamauka

Chemichemi lakauka,

Ndoto zangu zanyauka,

Natamauka,

Natamauka,

Sitaki tena rauka,

Najihisi napauka

Nakaribia mauka

Sitosheki na uhalisia,

Manake nimekisia,

Kuwa wahed tangia,

Mistwari nianze jitungia,

Napambana na hizi hisia,

Takriban miaka tisia,

Mipango kemkem mejipangia,

Ila kasri Abadan katan sijaliingia

Natamauka, natamauka

Chemichemi lakauka,

Ndoto zangu zanyauka,

Natamauka,

Natamauka,

Sitaki tena rauka,

Najihisi napauka

Nakaribia mauka

Nlivo tamani himaya,

Nkaanza tunga riwaya,

Maisha kayapa hidaya,

Ufanisi uwe wangu muhibati bila haya,

Ilmuradi kujiepushia mashakaya,

Sasa hayo yote hekaya,

Meyeyushiwa deraya,

Mejaziwa maya,

Kila nkilala nagwaya,

Kama mtoto anaehitai yaya,

Gizani mekuwa kaya,

Mejawa na huzuni kayaya.

Napauka,

natamauka

nanyauka

nakaribia mauka. 

Kibali

Mauko means death in old Swahili, and through poetic license decided to change that to Mauka denoting death of self. Shukran 

Choose

I’m a sucker for quotes, I hate to admit it. I am addicted to Berlin Art-Parasites and other similar Facebook pages because quotes that resonate with the truth I am feeding myself right now are necessary for me to grasp the transcendent, the inimitable.

I now naturally gravitate towards “truth” that mirrors or stirs up a visceral “understanding” in my soul. Being a big believer in one’s reality expanding according to one’s thoughts, I have become a conscious connoisseur of “knowledge.” I haggle with life was I make my way through the murky waters of wisdom, in search for that knowledge fountain that will quicken my metamorphosis.  

Today morning, I came across a saying by Eckhart Tolle, “if peace is what you want then you will choose peace.” As I read that, it dawned on me that everything we want for ourselves, we have to choose consciously. Because as it is said, thoughts become words that become actions that become our reality.

As I child, I remember this verse were taught in school about Jehovah placing before the Jews life and death, and asking them to choose life so that they may live. It always baffled me. So for one to live, one had to choose life? What about the ones that died yet desperately clung on to life till the last sand particle hit the hour-glass?

But now I am starting to grasp this precarious truth: conscious choice determines reality.

I have become very aware about the thoughts I think towards myself. I try my best to interrogate every single one, trying to decipher the motive and intent, its source.

I am no longer letting my “knee-jerk” thoughts ride roughshod over my mind, nachukua usukani (I am taking charge of my ship’s rudder.)

I have realized that the words that stir up in me are a clear reflection of what is going on inside me. These words give a clear picture of what I am feeling even my conscious self is too distracted to understand.

Lately I have been very angry because I have been let down by people I thought would stand at the watchtower for me. Being disappointed by the world is one thing, but being stabbed by people you considered soldiers in your quest for life is a crucible-hot mess.

So for me to see a quote like that by Eckhart Tolle, it stopped me right in my tracks. I evaluated every word the way a wine taster swirls every drop in their mouth after carefully smelling the wine and inhaling its essence.

I closed my eyes and let the words paint a melody so loud it reverberated in my being. The echoes, they brought truth to me as the rain gently pounded the trees outside. I have to choose the life I want for it to manifest.

Conscious choice, conscious actions; easier said than done. Being aware however is the first step. I am aware that I can not affect gravity, but I can slowly but surely determine the energy I let seep into my camp and the vibrations I put out.

I may not control people’s actions but I can control how I let them make me react even when every fiber of my being wants to give in to hate and basic behavior. Because choice is power, privilege, potency.

I remind myself every-time I start to expect an avalanche of bad news, that my story is neither cast in stone nor the ink drawn from the veins of men. I tell myself loudly if I must that to be afraid is one thing, but to expect a parlous outcome is unacceptable. So I slowly triumph over my fear, and every small victory sets me on the course to be the very giant I thought I’d never be.

Choose peace; choose prosperity; not just physical wealth but a thriving of the mind and soul. Choose to expand your life through pure thoughts, intent and actions. Choose to walk away from what seeks to destroy you because even destruction comes cloaked as freedom when it I just temptation.

I have chosen the growth that comes without annihilating anything in its path except mediocrity and ego. I want the best, but I want it the right way. I want to close my eyes when my race is over and not be afraid of that hell and brimstone furnace every preacher worth their tithe shouts from the mountaintops.

So I choose, and I choose deliberately and strongly. I choose peace, and I choose prosperity, because the words you speak become the house you live in, said Tabriz.

May my house be a palace inundated with joy, bursting at the seams with health. Choose. Choose.

The Ocean and The Water-drop

Yesterday was my birthday and as is the norm, I spent most of the day indoors, ensconced in my bed away from the world. It's a ritual I have developed; sit by myself, contemplating or writing what I want this new chapter to breathe into my life. The older I grow, the more I realize I love solitude, silence, and that stock taking is such a sacred moment for me. In that moment I am my most vulnerable, naked, emotionally unbalanced and can't let anyone but myself see me like that. 

This year, I did not feel like I'd have panic attacks whilst stock-taking. I went through my mental checklist and surprisingly I was on course. I embarked on this journey a few years ago, and it seemed my trajectory was as envisaged that cold night on the floor, when I promised myself change would manifest.

I haven't posted in this blog since November 2014. I no longer feel like I have anything to tell the world. My words are no longer draped in metaphors, and laden with codes begging to be deciphered. I finally started telling myself the truth, and in return the universe made more people hear it in my voice. I finally began telling myself the things I needed to hear, and in return the universe ensured the people who speak similar words gravitated towards me. 

Two of my favorite quotes are "The words you speak become the house you live in" by Tabriz and "They tried to bury us, they did not know we were seeds". 

I have learned to speak to myself, as a priest invokes blessing in the inner sanctum of the temple. My mind is the holy of holies, and mouth will speak nothing but prophetic utterances. I have learned to bless my space when everything inside me wants to shriek and curse, wither and die. I have learned to contain my thoughts, and to consciously tell myself I have the keys to the kingdom, because the universe found convergence in me.  

I have learned to let go of the schemes conniving people weave. The floods will come, but seeds, they always germinate. I have learned to give time time, and to know when seasons are changing. I no longer chase winds, or tame rivers that want to flow.

I am the ocean and the water-drop, in each moment I am both. I am finite yet immortal, weak yet a giant, silent yet roaring, seeking yet complete. 

It sounds like gibberish when put down to words, I will not apologize for that. My life began to change the day I changed the conversations I was having with myself. The day I told myself that I am a child of God, the only one of my kind this universe will ever lay its eyes upon. 

I only have this moment, and being present is my only mission. I am a mosaic of unfolding truths, a juxtaposition of contrary philosophies, a simple being, a tapestry of wonder..

I no longer seek solace in other people, even when I am attracted to their minds and hearts like a magnet. Whatever I seek in them, I will find it if only they they mirror my soul and spirit.

I have learned many things the past few years, things that took me to the periphery of insanity and the peak of ecstasy. 

You see truth when told gently to your soul, will break you but catch your falling pieces and recreate you into a masterpiece. Truth is gentle, yet truth is a sword; truth is life when you embrace it wholeheartedly. Seek your truth, when you find it your soul will blossom. Find your bliss, when you do, the universe will open up to you like a flower to the sun.

Wear your scars like stars, because they are your constellation guiding your wandering heart under the night sky. And last but not least, say yes to you, for you are enough. 

Kibali

Image: Wiki Commons

Took most of the day for these words to fully coalesce in my mind, always a relief when they do. I have tried my best to distill them so they have a modicum of sense.

Rauha. Damai. Shanti. Thayu. Salaam. Heiwa. Taika. Sidi.