They All Amount To Me

Opinionated, conflict-evader, erratic, crazy, 

free thinker yet restrained doer, bathroom popstar, 

Team Becoming, dreamer, afraid to fall yet always finds a way to stand, 

impatient, big believer in inward greatness, talkative during the day, Silence-Space-Stillness craving introvert at dusk, 

certified wanderer, in love with dawn monologues, at home with my three acknowleged voices, fashioNOsta, dedicated information disperser, foodie, sociable yet anti-social, guided by the heart yet held back by my head, 

an open book yet a complex melange of experiences, fears, expectations, past hurts and perceived limitations, genuine to a fault, still waiting for that house by a singing stream. 

All these are facets of me, I wonder how much more I don't know about myself!! There's a song I love to sing, it's a mash up of two songs.

" I am a flower quickly fading, here
today and gone tomorrow, a wave
tossed in the ocean, a vapour in the wind...

so who am I that You are
mindful of me, that You hear me when
I call, and is it true that You are
thinking of me? That You love me? It's
amazing. ~I am yours~ 

Facets of me, pieces incomplete,

shadows stalked by many a memory,

All these make up the "mystery" that amounts to me. 

Fahamu Fika

Sijui nikwambieje, moyo wangu watetema, 

hofu imenitanda mawazo yarandaranda, 

sidhani niko sawa

sijui nikwelezeje, bila wewe sina usalama naungama, 

pete kawaida huvikwa chanda walakin ni bayana tuko njia panda, 

pasi na wewe napagawa. 

Ila wanisusia, 

manake ushakuwa mchezo wa shere, 

yaogee maji ukishayafulia, 

keti utue mwaserere, 

kisha kama huoni gere, 

kunihadaa kuniacha nikiumia, 

haina kwere, 

mwafulani uchungu nishauzoea. 

Fahamu fika katika harakati za maisha, ah ah, 

ya dunia kawaida huisha ah ah, 

fahamu fika katika harakati za maisha ah ah, 

huba hufifia kisha. 

Naam najua, naam najua, 

naam najua, naam najua.

I want To Crush And Burn And Be Allowed To learn.

It's rare when I feel the need to be naked emotionally...or so I tell myself. Most of my notes could be intepreted* as a silent, nay ear-shateringly loud cry for help...they are not. I'm not being cryptic, you do not have to read between the lines to decipher. I think I'm lonely. *Weeps* It sucks to admit that but I think I am. Not for erotic love, God no! Lonely for the love that loveth genuinely and understands earnestly. 

Friends have become strangers, bossom buddies have become pillars of salt. Memories, they haunt like the ghosts of christmas past and it's disheartening. I've woken up lonely, because in my dreams lately I'm running and falling with no one to catch me. I'm aching and screaming with no one to hold me. I'm reaching out albeit silently but there's no straw to clasp hold of for dear life. Deserted. I feel deserted. 

I don't pretend to be happy, I have ineffable joy! I have learned to make peace with the problems that seem hellbent on destroying me. After all, fire purifies gold, it doesn't decimate it. I however crave to lean on someone; fighting alone is akin to death in a cold icy dungeon. Alas, there are no warriors surrounding me. Nobody to carry me, wounded I'm left alone to bleed! I'm bloody and in need of bandaging, pierced to the sides like Jesus yes I'm hurt. And like him I'm dying to save the world...but I'm yielding to eternal silence because nobody WILL rescue me. 

Is this a clarion call? no. Is this a battle cry? NO. What is it? Quite frankly sijui. I want to break into ashes surrounded who understand the rebirth of a phoenix. But I'm all alone, feeling like I'm fighting a loosing battle. This is not me asking for pity, far from it. This is not me asking for sympathy, I detest it. I crave for empathy, that is the rare jewel my soul seeketh. 

I want someone to say, "You can be Clark or Bruce, the world will still be here tomorrow, what can I do for you?" That. That's what I want. I don't want love, unless it's unrequited, I don't want fun, unless it's unadulterated. I want empathy, I want to feel safe, I want to know I won't go down or drown. I want to crush and burn and be allowed to learn. May be you'll hear my cry and step up, before I have a glacier for a heart and become a hermit. I'm at the periphery, and once I cross that line, I'm not coming back. Goodbye human heart, welcome to the abyss.

The Keyboard That Made This House Its Home.

So Sunday I was asked to perform a poem based on a status I randomly posted. I was hesitant, I don't consider myself a poet, a lyricist maybe...so I said I'd work on a song instead, it's easier to sing infront of a crowd as opposed to speaking to them. I was adamant. Theme in tow, I started playing with phrases till one sounded musical so I let it become the backbone that demands fleshing up. Finished the draft, 'recorded' it for posterity's sake and it slipped my mind. 

Till yesterday when I stood next to the keyboard and step by steady step found the notes for the whole tune. Intro led to the verse, and in one fell swoop the whole song was taking shape. It didn't sound like I hear it in my head, the soundtrack to every song I pen is an orchestra complete with a harp. It, however sounded exactly the way I was singing it. So I wrote every note, painstakingly because that is the only way to document progress. I'm singing it in two weeks. 

Why won't I keep calm about that keyboard? I convinced myself I could never play an instrument. It was all me. I listened to everyone around me bang note upon amazing note, or strum it and I whispered poisonous profanities to my soul, I was incapable of exuding such awesomeness. I was comfortable in the mundane, in my mediocrity I reveled, oh its raindrops felt like golden showers on my skin. Growth, it demands tearing yourself from the familiar, and learning to navigate upon the murky tempestuous waters of novelty. The keyboard made our house its home, and with it my curiosity was sparked. 

The first song I was able to make out by myself was "Oh ye wolves in sheep's clothing..." Its a hymn we did last year at Michael Joseph Center, the first time in my life I was asked for an encore! So everyday I dare myself to try out a new song, by ear. Titanium was my motivation...find the notes, eventually the chords will come. I can play the chorus, the verse however I gotta refer to my journal but who's worried about that?

I am learning something I already knew, discovering the keyboard is a little like discovering your voice. Or Yourself. You fumble and stumble in the dark, eventually you start to get accustomed to the madness. I am learning that trying teaches you more than theory ever could. Do I wanna become a pianist extraordinaire*? Not really. Last year Kathy Kiragu told me to train myself to aleast play the melody of any song I write on the keyboard. It would ensure that no matter who I play with, they would hear it as I want it to sound before they improvise. Composing 101. Me play? Me? I told her I'd learn. That was the end of that discussion.

I am learning, albeit in a snail-paced manner. My housemate tells me I have awesome pitch. He's probably lying, the rascal! Still trying and seeing that I can pull off a chorus, a verse, it's encouraging me to wanna stretch the bounds of my 'new found skills'. I wonder what I can do in six months, if I fiddle with the keys. Maybe I'll play a whole song by myself. So every note I correctly make out on the keyboard is an ode to life, I can do whatever I gravitate towards if I dare myself and believe. It takes ten thousand hours to become awesome at something. The clock is ticking. Scales make a singer, playing them makes a 'composer.' I am becoming.