I want To Crush And Burn And Be Allowed To learn.

It's rare when I feel the need to be naked emotionally...or so I tell myself. Most of my notes could be intepreted* as a silent, nay ear-shateringly loud cry for help...they are not. I'm not being cryptic, you do not have to read between the lines to decipher. I think I'm lonely. *Weeps* It sucks to admit that but I think I am. Not for erotic love, God no! Lonely for the love that loveth genuinely and understands earnestly. 

Friends have become strangers, bossom buddies have become pillars of salt. Memories, they haunt like the ghosts of christmas past and it's disheartening. I've woken up lonely, because in my dreams lately I'm running and falling with no one to catch me. I'm aching and screaming with no one to hold me. I'm reaching out albeit silently but there's no straw to clasp hold of for dear life. Deserted. I feel deserted. 

I don't pretend to be happy, I have ineffable joy! I have learned to make peace with the problems that seem hellbent on destroying me. After all, fire purifies gold, it doesn't decimate it. I however crave to lean on someone; fighting alone is akin to death in a cold icy dungeon. Alas, there are no warriors surrounding me. Nobody to carry me, wounded I'm left alone to bleed! I'm bloody and in need of bandaging, pierced to the sides like Jesus yes I'm hurt. And like him I'm dying to save the world...but I'm yielding to eternal silence because nobody WILL rescue me. 

Is this a clarion call? no. Is this a battle cry? NO. What is it? Quite frankly sijui. I want to break into ashes surrounded who understand the rebirth of a phoenix. But I'm all alone, feeling like I'm fighting a loosing battle. This is not me asking for pity, far from it. This is not me asking for sympathy, I detest it. I crave for empathy, that is the rare jewel my soul seeketh. 

I want someone to say, "You can be Clark or Bruce, the world will still be here tomorrow, what can I do for you?" That. That's what I want. I don't want love, unless it's unrequited, I don't want fun, unless it's unadulterated. I want empathy, I want to feel safe, I want to know I won't go down or drown. I want to crush and burn and be allowed to learn. May be you'll hear my cry and step up, before I have a glacier for a heart and become a hermit. I'm at the periphery, and once I cross that line, I'm not coming back. Goodbye human heart, welcome to the abyss.