Yesterday was my birthday and as is the norm, I spent most of the day indoors, ensconced in my bed away from the world. It's a ritual I have developed; sit by myself, contemplating or writing what I want this new chapter to breathe into my life. The older I grow, the more I realize I love solitude, silence, and that stock taking is such a sacred moment for me. In that moment I am my most vulnerable, naked, emotionally unbalanced and can't let anyone but myself see me like that.
This year, I did not feel like I'd have panic attacks whilst stock-taking. I went through my mental checklist and surprisingly I was on course. I embarked on this journey a few years ago, and it seemed my trajectory was as envisaged that cold night on the floor, when I promised myself change would manifest.
I haven't posted in this blog since November 2014. I no longer feel like I have anything to tell the world. My words are no longer draped in metaphors, and laden with codes begging to be deciphered. I finally started telling myself the truth, and in return the universe made more people hear it in my voice. I finally began telling myself the things I needed to hear, and in return the universe ensured the people who speak similar words gravitated towards me.
Two of my favorite quotes are "The words you speak become the house you live in" by Tabriz and "They tried to bury us, they did not know we were seeds".
I have learned to speak to myself, as a priest invokes blessing in the inner sanctum of the temple. My mind is the holy of holies, and mouth will speak nothing but prophetic utterances. I have learned to bless my space when everything inside me wants to shriek and curse, wither and die. I have learned to contain my thoughts, and to consciously tell myself I have the keys to the kingdom, because the universe found convergence in me.
I have learned to let go of the schemes conniving people weave. The floods will come, but seeds, they always germinate. I have learned to give time time, and to know when seasons are changing. I no longer chase winds, or tame rivers that want to flow.
I am the ocean and the water-drop, in each moment I am both. I am finite yet immortal, weak yet a giant, silent yet roaring, seeking yet complete.
It sounds like gibberish when put down to words, I will not apologize for that. My life began to change the day I changed the conversations I was having with myself. The day I told myself that I am a child of God, the only one of my kind this universe will ever lay its eyes upon.
I only have this moment, and being present is my only mission. I am a mosaic of unfolding truths, a juxtaposition of contrary philosophies, a simple being, a tapestry of wonder..
I no longer seek solace in other people, even when I am attracted to their minds and hearts like a magnet. Whatever I seek in them, I will find it if only they they mirror my soul and spirit.
I have learned many things the past few years, things that took me to the periphery of insanity and the peak of ecstasy.
You see truth when told gently to your soul, will break you but catch your falling pieces and recreate you into a masterpiece. Truth is gentle, yet truth is a sword; truth is life when you embrace it wholeheartedly. Seek your truth, when you find it your soul will blossom. Find your bliss, when you do, the universe will open up to you like a flower to the sun.
Wear your scars like stars, because they are your constellation guiding your wandering heart under the night sky. And last but not least, say yes to you, for you are enough.
Kibali
Image: Wiki Commons
Took most of the day for these words to fully coalesce in my mind, always a relief when they do. I have tried my best to distill them so they have a modicum of sense.
Rauha. Damai. Shanti. Thayu. Salaam. Heiwa. Taika. Sidi.
Took most of the day for these words to fully coalesce in my mind, always a relief when they do. I have tried my best to distill them so they have a modicum of sense.
Rauha. Damai. Shanti. Thayu. Salaam. Heiwa. Taika. Sidi.
